Photo by: Robert Dahey

“No to negative energy.”

“Just think positive thoughts.”

“Good vibes only.”

“Be grateful.”

I always get these statements whenever I express having a bad day, a crappy feeling or an anxiety about the unpredictability of life. And hearing this makes me feel bad that I’m not upbeat or happy as the world expects me to be. I can’t help but wonder if it’s my fault that’s why I don’t feel great that day.

“No to negative energy” is basically saying it’s not okay to experience sadness, anger, loneliness and other feelings that are, in fact, all part of the human spectrum. Or that it’s not acceptable to have a bad day, have an emotional outburst upon receiving a horrible news even at that very moment.

Of course, it’s common sense that to have a better quality of life, we must focus on the good things around us. But if what is happening right now and the next few days are not pleasant, it’s very unrealistic and brutal to force a smile on one’s face or to pressure someone to “be okay” just to eradicate the truth that in this very moment, you don’t feel great because things are not okay.

I read that it’s called spiritual gaslighting or bypassing. It is used when one can’t manage to hold a safe space for emotions from others that feel challenging. It’s the same as numbing one’s pain and discomfort by the excessive use of substance, sex, gambling, internet or other forms of unhealthy addiction.

Because most people don’t like to sit with a difficult feeling, even if it’s coming from someone else. They don’t know how to just simply listen, hug or hold someone’s hand when they exhale or cry. They can’t bring themselves to say, “I’m sorry this is happening. I’m listening and I’m here for you” so instead, they try to bypass by saying, “Just think happy thoughts.”

Hence, despite all the positive mindset barrages and self-help pop psychology, it still feels like it’s our fault if we aren’t feeling good and happy 24/7… it’s as if we aren’t practicing self-love enough or trying our best to be sunshiny and cheerio like those people we see on TV commercials.

Here’s the truth: Even if we think we do, we don’t always know what’s best for someone because we are all uniquely and wonderfully made as humans. So imposing someone to just think positive or be grateful isn’t always great advice especially if it’s not solicited.

Sometimes, the struggle is just damn real and we need to go through the healing by staying authentic with how we truly feel at a certain time. Otherwise, we’re not crediting the well-roundedness of the human spirit. It turns us into a positive thinking AI robot instead. When we ignore the feeling that comes from difficult life experiences, we shut down parts of ourselves that teaches us resilience, patience, faith, compassion and empathy.

We have to acknowledge the pain or fear or sadness or loss, and not gaslight it. We need to sit with however long it takes to recover. This is how we truly heal from trauma and slowly evolve from it. Then we set new goals and desires when our hearts and spirits are ready. Not before its time and most especially, not when other people want to.

A Buddhist teacher once said, “The way out is in.” It’s human nature to want to run away from what feels uncomfortable. However, if we did not learn to stay with what was challenging in us, we would continually abandon ourselves that leads to more suffering. There are certain things in the human life that will be inevitable… sickness, death, relationship, career, family and financial problems. The ups and downs will touch all of us—they are meant to. And even after all that, we can begin again and continue living a good life. But before we try to change our experience or change others’ feelings, we must learn how to be real with it. In being authentic, we become vulnerable and open up to true healing and transformation.

“All vibes welcome” is something I hope people would say more. After all, we can’t snap out of being human. But we can learn to be more at ease with the ebbs and flows that come with it.