There’s something about this old painting I did that doesn’t feel right. When I look at it, I become too critical and notice how the colors are not blended well, it’s amateurish, unoriginal or that there are a few spots that I missed in the canvas. Bottom line, I just don’t feel good looking at it.
“What’s bothering me about this?,” I wondered. Maybe it’s the memory associated with it. Because I painted it at the time when I was trying to recover from my worst heartbreak. Perhaps, it reminds me of the company I was with at that time, a good friend in the past that I had a major falling out with and we no longer talk. Or maybe I just didn’t think it was authentic because it was done over a “wine and paint” class. Hence, all of us there did the same thing and was just following instructions. Of course, we all had our own interpretation of the final painting but it’s still the same concept. Yet here I am, aspiring to be authentic.
I just can’t seem to pinpoint exactly. So at some point, I was thinking of just discarding it or giving it away. Or paint gesso all over it to start off a new art with a clean canvas. But somehow, I still couldn’t let go and kept it in my closet along with the other things I’m planning to donate soon.
Last week, I placed it right at my work desk at home to give it one final look before I decide what to do with it. I stared at it with unbiased eyes. The painting is a beautiful blend of blue, yellow, red, magenta, orange, black and white portraying the view of the sunset by the water as a sailboat is passing through.
The scenery just reminds me of San Diego, the city that I’ve grown to call my home now. And as my eyes kept wandering, I stopped right at the lower right side where my huge name “JAYMEE” and date was painted in black in the corner. I placed it there because we were told by the instructor to do so if we wanna remember the time we made it and to officially claim the work as ours.
And then it hit me how that little detail is causing distraction on the entire painting. It was painted too big and clumsily. So I picked up the gesso, my paint brushes and acrylic tubes to revise that small part. I also touched up on the parts that I missed especially the sides of the canvas where I’ve forgotten to extend the paint. When it dried out, I placed a teeny tiny date with my name. This time, a lot more discreet than the original.
When I placed it back up in the wall, I finally saw and appreciated it. I was just too distracted with the painful past associated with the date it was made and my huge name on it that somehow, represents with my screaming ego that was badly hurt the time I painted it. I’m glad I didn’t give it away or erased it. With a little change in perspective and retouch, I’ve recycled my work of art in a better light. It now hangs beautifully in my desk where I get to look at it every time I take a break from online errands and writing to gain inspiration.
Sometimes, we gotta do little revisions in our lives so we can tweak the way we see things and then get to the point of appreciating the overall big picture. We don’t need to change everything completely or judge it all too soon. Sometimes, what we have in front of us is still salvageable and worth keeping. And it’s worth exploring and risking to find out how.
I have always admired you back when you were still hosting and doing TV stints here in the Philippines.
You were still so young and bubbly then. So was I. What I liked about you was that you were so eloquent and super cute and energetic and sexy. I liked the way you talked and you were very good in the way you speak.
I was surprised to see you on IG specially when I found out you had the “C”.
I started following you since then and I kept watching your posts and reels repeatedly because, to be honest, I still love the way you talk, the way you put your heart out on your sleeves and how good you are at webbing words like a poet.
Glad you still have that sassy mood and spank and humor and wit after all.
I pray you continue to be strong and courageous.
Here is a fan and a follower from way way back and up until now.
Teacher Edith, 54, and I thank you 😊