If you’ve been following me on social media, particularly Instagram where I show snippets of my daily musings, you would think that my life is so damn cool. I do yoga, eat out, try out new products that interests me, write blogs, shoot vlogs as I show off my flashy smile and crazy short curls.

You probably think, “Wow what a life! She seems to have it all together!” But the truth is… I DON’T. Here’s why.

First, I don’t have a steady source of income. Although I did save a lot for me to afford not to work for awhile as I follow my passion and I do some commercial modeling gigs to cover expenses, I have nothing fixed and steady coming in.

Second, I’m doing a bunch of different things all at once. I do blogging, writing a book, shooting vlogs, networking, product reviewing, studying online courses to name some. Although I enjoy all these pursuits, it still seems so vague as to where my path is really taking me and sometimes, it freaks me out!

Third, I’m in this awkward stage of transitioning into a bonafide grown-up but not really. I am so rich and full of life experiences which classifies me as an adult but my heart and body is still very much a kid. So I always have this debate going on inside me as to whether I should start woman-ing up and make grown-up decisions and choices a.k.a. think about the future, investing, security, stability… versus giving in to my child-like philosophies such as carpe diem, YOLO (you only live once!), book that flight, buy that outfit, kiss that guy… in short, LIVE NOW and screw what happens tomorrow!!

Yup, there’s always a catch in every life decision. And in the creative lifestyle, it’s the uncertainty and instability especially if you’re in the initial stages of building a name and a network.

I admit. I have days where I question if I’m heading on the right direction. That maybe this is all a waste of time. That maybe I should just get a steady, predictable job with 401K plan to secure my future even if it’s not gonna make me happy in the present. J.K. Rowling, Elizabeth Gilbert… they did get lucky and made a fortune out of their art. What if it won’t be the case for me? What if I just end up as one of those starving artists?

But despite having moments of doubts like these, I realized that my calling truly really belongs in the creative world because the excitement of the unknown and uncertain still shines through and pushes me to keep on going.

Just like building a house from scratch and seeing it get mounted one brick at time, I am finding intense joy in the whole creation process of JAYMEE WINS. Every little thing such as a new logo, a new follower on Instagram, a new person contacting me for collaboration, a new subscriber on YouTube, or a new idea being presented to me… all these contributions, no matter how small they can be, gives me this euphoric feeling that someone out there is actually interested in what I have to offer! That my unconventional story and passion for creating are indeed worth sharing!

I know I have a long way to go before I truly discover what my specific calling is. (Or perhaps, I’ll be a Jill of all trades, who knows right?) I know that it will take time before JAYMEE WINS will be what I envision it to be. I know that I have to go through uncertainties, doubtful moments and disappointments as I build my personal brand. I know that it’s not gonna be easy and that some people will not understand and support my quest. I know that I have to work extra harder at putting myself out there especially that I’m not in my motherland where I have all the right connections.

I know it won’t be easy. But I know in my heart that if I don’t follow my dreams with mad passion no matter how crazy it may sound, I’m better off dead. I fought hard to extend my life so that I can live the life I’ve always envisioned for myself.

I am committed and dedicated in giving this creative pursuit my best fucking shot and walk in faith knowing that the Creator has got my back. He placed this desire in my heart for a reason. So I will pursue it with no holds barred, against all odds.

Wish me all the best as I rebuild my life and create my dreams into reality, WINNERS. One day, it will all make sense. But for now, I trust my intuition, live day by day, keep moving forward and let the creative juices flow! Let’s WIN this baby! 🙂