“I’m tired all the time. Coming from a very active lifestyle, this body doesn’t seem to feel like mine anymore. It can get so frustrating, you know,” I vented out to a library colleague. She listened intently and I can tell that she can absolutely empathize as she, too, is dealing with a health issue. Then she shared with me a simple metaphor to demonstrate how allocating energy wisely is absolutely necessary and acceptable especially now that it’s limited compared to other people who are not on any health ordeal of some sort. This is what she said:
“Imagine your energy as cookie pieces. For people with great health, they have bountiful supply of them. But for others like us, or the elders, those with physical disabilities, out of shape or not living a healthy lifestyle, there is a limited supply. When you get up and get ready for the day, you’re giving away half a cookie. You take care of your cat, that’s another half. You go to work and do your tasks, that’s two cookies. You socialize with people… colleagues, friends, or clients… that’s three cookies. While others can keep giving away, people like us only have to so much to offer even if we badly want to. So we can’t really keep sharing. We have to be mindful of when and where we should be using them. It has to be allocated for only what’s necessary and important to our life, loved ones and wellbeing at this point.
It does get frustrating especially for us, who are used to being overly generous with our time, effort, attention and energy. But due to our uncontrollable health circumstances, we have to work wisely with what we have. Other people may even misunderstand us and just say FINE for the heck of it. But they will never completely get it if they don’t or didn’t have the same lack of energy as we do. It sucks, I know. But it is what it is. And at least we still have cookies to share. Others don’t and they’re lying down hooked up to machines at the hospital. So we are still blessed.”
I smiled and thanked her for giving me the enlightenment I needed to hear. After our shift, I journaled and reflected on easing into acceptance with the fatigue spells I get from the treatment I’m currently on and acknowledge that as of today (hopefully, not permanently!), I have limited cookies to share and I’ll have to make do with what I can by giving it to people, things and situation that matters. At least for now.
I’m sure I’ll get frustrated again at some point when I witness other people having the robust energy that I used to have. But when that happens, I will go back to this conversation in my mind or re-read this blog post to remind myself that I am still hopeful that one day, I will have much, much more to give again. For now, I graciously accept that even if my energy cookies are limited, I’ll make sure they are so damn delicious that it will never be forgotten by anyone who gets to experience it.
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