Every time I hear news about a famous person who committed suicide that seemed to have the “good life”, it gets me so disturbed for days for two reasons.

First, I’ve experienced what it’s like to somewhat be in their shoes but only on a much smaller scale. So there’s a part of me that kinda’ understands the pressure, sentiments and struggles that they must’ve felt being in the global public eye. Second, I wonder what could’ve saved them from taking their own lives, if there were any.

As soon as I heard the back to back suicide of celebrity chef, Anthony Bourdain and global designer, Kate Spade, my mind couldn’t stop wondering what the real deal was behind their fabricated photos and videos portrayed by the media. I can’t help but really question why they wanted out when they had everything that anyone in this world could ever ask for.

Looking back in my own experience as a non-mainstream celebrity in the Philippines in my 20s, I did feel that deep emptiness when I was about to reach the top. There was so much expectation to look perfect, to have it all together, to be entertaining, to be seen with the cool crowd, to please everybody, to be rich and to achieve great things. I began to question if people actually cared for me or they only wanted to be associated because I was getting famous, earning well and looking good.

I couldn’t really connect with anyone because all people wanted to talk to me about was how to win on my game show, how to be introduced to the TV station moguls so they or someone they know can be on TV and movies too. They’re trying to fish who’s the good guy, who’s gay, who’s the bitch, who’s the slut, who’s fucking who on set. In short, they see me as something that benefits them or they just want to dig good dirt that they can gossip about or make them feel better about themselves knowing that celebrities aren’t perfect. But not because they truly cared for me and was looking after my own good.

This is exactly why despite the promise of fame and fortune, I suddenly left show business in exchange of a simple, anonymous life in a foreign country. I just got so exhausted walking on eggshells and always questioning what people’s motives are on wanting to be “friends”. It felt completely liberating to be seen and treated as an imperfect human being, not a flawless golden trophy.

But as the tides led me back to having a social media presence after my life threatening experience, I suddenly have mixed feelings on how far I actually want to take this after hearing the Spade and Bourdain tragedy. Because as I aim at building my global personal branding as “Jaymee Wins”, the goals I have in my mind are to get what they have or at least close!

To be paid to travel everywhere, go on culinary adventures, write bestsellers, have an iconic brand, win multiple awards, be able to help and influence the world, be known for their great contribution to mankind, have a life partner and a kid by your side… bottom line, have it all! WHO WOULDN’T WANT THAT?

Now, I truly wonder. If the lives and accomplishments Bourdain and Spade had, which is what I secretly desire for myself and have been working on attaining all this time weren’t fulfilling enough for them to stay live, THEN WHAT IS?

I am truthfully disappointed at them for being so selfish and copping out just like that leaving the dreamers such as myself in a state of major confusion as to whether pursuing the grandest privileges in life make total sense. Or should we all just be content living simply and not being “great” because when you have it all, you end up killing yourself anyway!!! Is fame and fortune worth it at all?

I’m sure they had their reasons that the outer world will never know about. Just like when most people questioned why I was leaving a promising showbiz career in the Philippines, no one really truly understood me except for my family and best friends who knew the true score behind the blinding lights and cameras.

Thank you for all that you contributed for humankind, Sir Anthony Bourdain and Miss Kate Spade. I wish both your souls eternal peace and I really hope you found whatever it is that you were looking for, ironic as it seems. It may take awhile before I wrap my head on this as I really got disturbed AF but I hope I find it in myself to keep on with pursuing my dreams as I really felt a hint of hopelessness as you both bailed out on your tremendous blessings and amazing lives just like that. Praying for better and inspiring days to come for us, WINNERS, who are still thriving for greatness.